Office Messages

I have a lot of jokes about unemployment…
But none of them work.

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

My annual performance review says I lack “passion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

I may sit at a desk, but I get plenty of exercise at work…
Jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines is exhausting.

At a job interview a man asks, “What do you think is your worst quality?”
He responds, “I’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, “That’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The interviewee says, “I don’t care about what you think!”

The boss told me to have a good day.

So, I went home.

If brains were taxed,
Some co-workers would get a refund.

Why is the doctor always calm.
Because they have a lot of patients.

If every day is a gift, can I please get a gift receipt for Monday?
I need to exchange it for Friday.

HR manager: ‘What’s your biggest weakness?’

Me: ‘Interviews.’

HR manager: ‘And besides that?’

Me: ‘Follow-up questions.’

My boss says that I lack enthusiasm.
I guess he’s never seen me with a pint of ice cream.

Some people say the glass is half full.

Some people say the glass is half empty.

Engineers say the glass is twice as big as necessary.

I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to go to the bathroom.

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

Employer: ‘We need someone responsible for the job.’

Job applicant: ‘Sir, your search ends here! In my previous job, whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.’

HR manager: ‘Just go to hell!’

Me: ‘So, should I stay or leave? I’m confused.’

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.

It took me 20 minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.

To steal from many is research.

Being an astronaut is funny. It’s the only job where you get fired before you start work.

If an accountant’s spouse cannot sleep, what is the best cure? Ask the accountant to talk about their work.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one – him or me – I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people.

What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t know the law? A judge

Q: What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: The genealogist checks the family tree and the gynecologist checks the family bush.

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Ek wholesaler tension mai tha….. Retailer : Kya hua, bhai ??: wholesaler : 6 months business se tour pe hoon, aur kal pata chala wife pregnant ho gayi hai ” Retailer: Ab pata chalega, bina order k maal aata hai to kaisa lagta hai…

Beautiful Secretary Boss ke cabin se baal bhanaate huye nikli.
Staff ne Pucha – “kya hua ?”

Secretary – “Usne mujhse poochha ki kya tum aaj raat ko free ho ?”
Maine kahaa “yes”

to usne mujhe type karne ke liye 60 page thamaa diye … !!!

ایک خوبصورت لڑکی نے اپنی سہیلی سے پوچھا۔ اگر میرا بوائے فرینڈ یہ کہے کہ میں بہت نفاست سے کپڑے پہنتی ہوں تو کیا میں اسے تعریف نہ سمجھوں سہیلی بولی۔ تعریف سمجھنے سے پہلے اس بات کی کھوج ضرور کر لو۔ کہ اسے دروازے سے سوراخوں میں جھانکنے کی عادت تو نہیں۔

گاہک:آج کے بعد اگر میرا کتا بھی تمہاری دکان پر آئے تو تمہیں اس کی عزت کرنی ہو گی۔ دکاندار: بہت بہتر جناب ! آپ کا کتا آئے تو میں سمجھوں گا کہ جناب ہی تشریف لائے ہیں۔

دکان کا مالک نئے ملازم سے  ‘  تمہیں ہمارے منشی نے کام سمجھا دیا ہے نا
ملازم ‘  جی ہاں انہوں نے مجھے سمجھا دیا ہے کہ میں آپ کو دکان کی طرف آتا دیکھوں تو انھیں جگا دیا کروں